Originally Posted: 2005-05-23 6:24pm

favorite this post Your thin girlfriend is going away!

Dear Boyfriend,

I’m sorry to tell you that your thin girlfriend is leaving you. She has her reasons, the most important among them being that she’s really, really hungry.

I know you’ll miss the Skinny Bitch, but the upside is that you can have a new girlfriend in her place who looks and acts almost identical to the girlfriend you’re losing. I’d say that you might not even notice the difference. It’s true that the new girlfriend will take up slightly more space in the bed. You won’t be able to see the new girlfriend’s ribs. But she’ll probably be nicer to spoon with, because her hipbones won’t be sticking out and catching you in the groin during nocturnal rollovers. The new girlfriend will also smile a lot more than Skinny. She’ll probably have lot more energy for things like playing frisbee in the park. (And, as an ultra-special bonus for you, my boy—more energy means a better libido! We both know that you and Ms. Skeleton haven’t been getting it on that much because she’s always tired. Trust me, this curvy replacement will be far more satisfactory in that department.)

Your new girlfriend won’t be wearing size zero jeans. She won’t order “just a salad” unless that’s what she actually wants for dinner, and trust me, it won’t be often. She’ll be working out every day, just like the old girlfriend, but she’ll probably eat something aside from carrot sticks afterward. She’s going to be a healthy, lean, strong, 120-pound goddess. She’s going to have a killer ass.

Which leads me to the last, most important difference between the Skinny Bitch, who is leaving you, and the Curvy Babe, who will be taking her place: Curvy isn’t going to be putting up with anymore of your bullshit remarks or cheap shots. She’s not going to tolerate it when you tell her that she’d be “so hot” if she “just worked out a little more”. She’s not going to be ok with you grabbing the extra flesh on her hips and saying, “What the hell is this?” or telling her she shouldn’t wear skirts because they make her look fat... in fact, if you try any of this, she’ll probably use some of her new-found energy and hard-earned muscle to punch you in the jaw. You’d better keep the comments to yourself, or better yet, stop wanting to make the comments altogether. Your girl is more than just her body—at one time, you were attracted to her intelligence, her sense of humor, her varied interests. In case you hadn’t noticed, that exhausted waif you’ve been hanging out with lately hasn’t been too smart, funny, or sexy. So say goodbye—she’s going out for ice cream, and she’s not coming back!

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