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Originally Posted: 2003-05-19 13:48

Tourist Season Alert from B.T.E.S.M.P

Attention all New Yorkers. The Bureau to Eradicate Slow-Moving People (i.e., tourists) is warning all New Yorkers that Tourist Season will hit New York hard in the next few weeks. This service advisory extends until New Year's Eve; New Yorkers are to proceed with their daily lives with caution, especially if they live and/or work in the following areas: Penn Station, 34th Street and Herald Square, Times Square, Rockefeller Center, Fifth Avenue, Christopher Street, SoHo, and Broadway between Union Square and Canal Street. The aforementioned people flock to New York from the following places: New Jersey, Long Island, Texas, North Dakota, Italy, Japan, and England.

It is advised that New Yorkers steer clear of these Slow-Moving persons. Please note the following characteristics, which the B.T.E.S.M.P advises are clear signs you are encountering a Slow-Moving person (ie, tourist):

1.) Toursist often sport the follow: camera and/or videocamera; t-shirts or sweatshirts that say "I Love NY," or advertise Abercrombie, Old Navy, Aeropostale brands, or the Yankees; glazed upward glances at skyscrapers; Tommy Hilfiger or Polo clothing; fake Kate Spade, Coach, or Prada bags; or khakis.

2.) Tourists are known to engage in the following activities: crowding busy sidewalks while saying "Like, where is Macy's/H&M/FAO Schwarz/St. Patrick's cathedral/NBA Store/all the theaters/the Toys R Us with the ferris wheel?;" dining at the Olive Garden or TGIFridays in Times Square; gawking at the Prada and Louis Vuitton window displays; carrying large shopping bags from Macy's, H&M, the NBA store, the Disney Store, Foot Locker, and Armani Exchange; making decorative signs that say "Happy 90th Birthday Grandma!" to be displayed in the crowd at the Today Show; and going to see Mama Mia or Phantom of the Opera.

3.) Tourists have recently been hiding out as Willimasburg hipsters, as some have been wearing truckdriver hats. Please be extra cautious aroudn such persons.

The B.T.E.S.M.P. advises all New Yorkers that Toursist Season will rear its ugly head very soon and will not let up until the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree goes down next January.

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