.....or "The NYC Subway for Dummies."
1. Look for your Metrocard BEFORE standing in the turnstile. Have a look around you, you are in people's way, and you are going to be killed. Step aside, get your fucking act together, and then proceed to the turnstile.
2. When you see you are about to pull into your station, get your 24,000 shopping bags together, pick your lazy ass up off the the seat, and head toward the door. Dont wait for the train to stop, doors to open, and THEN begin the process of thinking about exiting the train, because then people must stop boarding the train to accomodate your lazy ass. If you make people miss getting into the train, they will come after you and wrap that fucking Burberry scarf around your neck until you choke.
3. During rush hour, if you are standing at the door, get the fuck out of the way and let people get off/on. No, really, watch how fucking AWESOME it is when you move and people can get by you. It ROCKS! It's really very simple.
4. Oh, speaking of that, let people off the train before you stampede in full-force because you are terrified you wont have a seat for your lazy ass. The SHRINE to this phenomenon is the Queens-bound platform at the 63/lex station.
5. There is no need to use the ticket booth, get a credit card and use the machines. Why are there 6 billion people in line at the booth, do you like abuse you receive from the surly bitch behind the counter?
6. You have a bike? USE IT. Dont bring your bike on the train and make it impossible for everyone to move. It's especially sweet when you bring it on the uptown-bound 6 train at rush hour, like you did yesterday you fucking asshole.
7. 13-year old gangsta girls: there is no need to scream your entire ludicrous conversation at the absolute top of your lungs. It really is OK to just speak at a normal tone, and not make everyone on the train want to smack the shit out of you.
8. Legless homeless man on F train in wheelchair with the curiously attractive girl pushing him: You only need to shake the metal can of change 500 times, you can stop after that. We get the point that you are asking for money. You see, we are on our way to work, havent had coffee yet, and really dont need to hear change rattle in a can for 40 minutes. many, many thanks. (oh, other homeless people, you can shut the fuck up too).
9. Need directions? Can I direct your attention to....THE MAP?! Don't hold up trains by asking conductors and engineers what fucking train you should be taking.
10. Remove your giant backpack before entering the crowded train. This is a no-brainer. But then, you have no brain.