Okay, I know some people (um, too high of a percentage of Americans, in fact) are "blessed" with a larger-than-average derriere. Sometimes that Super-sizing extends to the whole of their being. That's fine. That's really not my problem.
Or IS it?
This morning I realized that in New York, it IS my problem. While I am not a miniscule person, my ass does not encroach over my subway seat into yours. And I'm a woman, so the chances of my bottom bustling up against yours is a bit higher than if I were a man. But it doesn't. And if it did, there are certain measures I would take to keep my largesse from sandwiching against you.
A) This is mostly to the men. This isn't even a size issue (I think). UNLESS you have extreme elephantitis of your testicular region, or are hung like a dinosaur, there is absolutely NO excuse for you to sit down, spread your legs like you own the goddamned train, and thus encroach in my space. CLOSE YOUR FUCKING LEGS. I know many men who are not hung like an ant who manage somehow to even comfortably cross their legs. It is not necessary to pretend that a crowded subway bench is your personal Laz-a-Boy.
B) To the rude-ass guys who use the motions of the subway as an excuse to push up against me. Warning: I have sharp elbows, I will start using them.
C) Ladies and Gentleman: if you are toting the tot in your lap, control your goddamned kid. I do not find it cute or charming that junior wants to play with my hair/touch my earring/ect. It's fucking annoying, and besides I was a booger-eating kid once myself. I KNOW where your brat's fingers have been, and I do NOT want them on me. This goes double for the stroller moms who seem to think that I should not be irritated by the wheels of the SUV baby-bouncers crushing my toes.
D) BBWs, BBMs, BB whoever. Your fat, that's cool. Don't squeeze your ass in the center seat already!!! You know you won't fit. (Note to people such as myself: if you see a large person heading for the center seat, I guess we should all start sliding over and leaving them on the outside. At least then there is only so much squeeze which can be applied. I am open to other suggestions.)
E) The shoulders-to-hip ratio. You all know its true. On a train where there are three seats, men and women (depending on body structure, as there are men with bigger asses than shoulders, and vice-versa for the women) need to alternate in seats. There is nothing more painful or ridiculous than watching three J-Lo pretenders squeeze into a booth, or three big beefy guys fighting for breathing room.
F) The Shoppers. It's great that you hit Barney's on your way home. Don't expect me to bench-sit your damn shopping bags, and when you stand up, I implore you not to hit me in the head with them. I may have to start carrying a razor with which I can subtly slit the bottom of your Bergdorf bag.
Its our city, and god bless you all for your differences. But JEEZ respect the people in your vicinity. I have even learned to hold my nose in deference to certain women's desire to douse their body with the most offensive of perfumes, and the subway bum's right to smell. Even the lack of deodorant on the sullen teenager, or rhinitis-inspired gasping from the cardiovascularly challenged pass happily without comment.
Do I HAVE to be physically invaded as well?????
If someone could invent a subway seat fence, I think I would buy it.
PS Yes, I am American and have my attendent American issues with space. When I lived in Paris, I got used to being touched, as the social contract was different. But GODDAMN the same people who would bark it me for standing too close to them in a bodega line are the same rude fucks who smother me on the subway. LOGIC???